Sorry about the Creation of a p***** Joke, so heres more

[Sol_Gemma]

i want to see! also c*** is my favourite word i like how everyone hates it

[Ant95]

ian, suprised no comment about the italian joke to the chubster

[barnstyke]

Sol_Gemma

You have a PM.

[Ant95]

ok i want to see too please

[barnstyke]

Ant95

You got a PM.

[barnstyke]

Ok the last one today, its bed time over here in the UK for me.

Royal wedding

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.

Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.

Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.

' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor

Daz.

[Ant95]

grazie

[TexasCouple]

Good jokes.

Could you PM the other one to me?
Marsh

[Fletch]

keep up the good work Daz.....and nice show of respect for the board.....and i would also like to see the poem haha

[Kait13]

hehe i like to use the "c" word sometimes.... and i find myself acting like a frat boy (even though im not in a frat and well not a boy) saying do it "p" word

[TexasCouple]

That’s funny that you would phrase it that way, Kait. When I was in a fraternity (yes they had them back in the stone ages), we would get chastised for calling our fraternity a “frat”. The common retort would be “you don’t call your fraternity a frat just like you don’t call your country a c***”

Ironic, huh?
Marsh

[R.I. GAL]

Originally Posted by TexasCouple

That’s funny that you would phrase it that way, Kait. When I was in a fraternity (yes they had them back in the stone ages), we would get chastised for calling our fraternity a “frat”. The common retort would be “you don’t call your fraternity a frat just like you don’t call your country a c***”

Ironic, huh?
Marsh

:shock: :shock: :lol: :shock: :shock: :lol: :shock: :shock:

[barnstyke]

The Voodoo Penis

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.

She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.

She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

The rest is history.

Hahaha LOL

Daz

[barnstyke]

Hong Kong Dong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.

Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.

He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.

Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away".

Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said

"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."

Joe was relieved.

Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own."

Daz

[EngineerGuy]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[barnstyke]

The Italian Job

In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Monica Lewinsky walks in, squats seductively in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She gives him the presidential treatment then moves on to his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts




"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!""



Not sure if you will get this one as you may not have seen the film.

The Italian Job with Michael Caine

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Punishments in Hell...


A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin.

So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted.

So the Devil walked over to the young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"

Daz. LOL

[barnstyke]

I'm on a roll now. LOL

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my arse."


Daz.

[barnstyke]

Just let me know if I over step the mark.

Daz.

[barnstyke]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex anymore. I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes."

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Ok heres one to test the Mods.

DREAMS OF WIFE, HUSBAND

A wife woke up from her night's sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
"I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks in this place,"she began, "the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20."

"How about the ones like mine?" asked her husband.
"Those they gave away," she replied tongue in cheek.

"I had a dream too," started the husband. "I dreamt they were auctioning off Pussys. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!"

"And how much for the ones like mine?" enquired the wife to her husband.
"That's where they held the auction," he replied.

Hahaha LOL

[barnstyke]

Just one more, i can't resist.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

Thats it for today, i think!!!!!!

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Just slipping another one in. hahaha

VENGEANCE

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Nice one LOL

Daz.

[barnstyke]

SMART-ASS

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

LOL

Thats it for tonight, taking my wife out for a meal and shes paying. LOL

I’ll save the rest for tomorrow.

Daz.

[AJ0527]

Originally Posted by DConCT

yes, I will continue to post.

right here in this meaningless thread.

la la

scooby doo.

pickles.

trip to london.

cat scratch fever.

that is all.

It seems you have a very productive day at work

Oh P.S. I love lock threads :lol:

[barnstyke]

Red Neck joke.

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.

After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."
Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says...
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Hola ME again!!!!!!!!!

This guy goes into a whore house and tells the front desk person that he wants something different...something weird!

She sends him up to the 3rd floor to see Lisa. He knocks on the door and this beautiful 6 ft. tall red-head answers the door.

He says he`s sorry and that he must have the wrong room (she`s much too beautiful!!!) She assures him that he has come to the right place. She instructs him to take off his clothes and she will be right back.

When she enters the room a few moments later she is naked and very beautiful!! He`s tells her that he is looking for something different and she looks perfect. What could you possibly do different? he asks.

So she removes her false eye and tells him to stick it there. He is very apprehensive at first but she assures him that she has sex thousands of times that way and that it will be the best sex he ever had!!!

So, he sticks his dick in her eye and proceeds to have the best sex of his life. When he`s done he tells her that it indeed was the best sex he ever had and could he visit her again when he is back in town.

Her response? "Sure, I`ll keep an eye out for you!!"

[barnstyke]

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"



Don't take offence if you are from Arkansas. LOL Daz.

[barnstyke]

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.

[barnstyke]

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."