Sorry about the Creation of a p***** Joke, so heres more

[barnstyke]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

[barnstyke]

Heres one for you football fans!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please try it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bedroom American Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cuts a fart and says "seven points."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."

About ten minutes later the old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he shits the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

Hahahaha LOL

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Hey!!! not much feed back, are they anygood.

May-be I'm scrapping the bottem of the barrel now. LOL

[barnstyke]

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"

[barnstyke]

Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ‘You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.’

Janet responded, ‘Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ‘politically correct’ for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.’

Hillary asked, ‘Well,... how do you deal with the problem?’

‘Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.’

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolled over and asked, ‘Janet, is that you?’

[EngineerGuy]

:lol:

[vrodgers]

Originally Posted by barnstyke

Hey!!! not much feed back, are they anygood.

May-be I'm scrapping the bottem of the barrel now. LOL

One word sums up your jokes now --- groan!!! But I like 'em! Keem 'em comin'!!

[barnstyke]

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a check-up.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it
that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale
and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt,
even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a check-up.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "M" on her chest.
"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

[DConCT]

hehe... I like that one.

[barnstyke]

A young man walked up and sat down at the bar.
"What can I get you?" the bartender inquired.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob," the man answered.

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[barnstyke]

One for the girls????????

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk,
they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,
he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor,
medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher
and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman
would have a collection of teddy bears,
especially one that's so extensive,
but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion,
as they are lying together in the after glow,
the man rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

Daz.

[barnstyke]

A man takes his wife to the State Fair
and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says,
This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says,
"He mated 50 times last year",
They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says,
"This Bull mated 120 times last year".

The wife hits her husband and says,
"That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying,
"This Bull mated 365 times last year".
The wife gets really excited and says
"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one".

The husband looks at her and says....
"Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow".

[barnstyke]

A construction worker came home just in time
to find his wife in bed with another man.
So he dragged the man down the stairs
to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice.
He secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed,
"Stop! Stop!
You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope.
You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire"

[barnstyke]

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night,
she tells each one to write back about their married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands
by openly discussing their love lives,
the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements
as a 'code' to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day
the letter arrives with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'.
The mother got the newspaper
and checked the Maxwell House advertisement,
and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...'

So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married.
After a week, there was a message that read: 'Rothman's Mattresses'.
So the mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says,
'Full size, king size'.

And the mother is happy.
Then it comes to the third one's wedding. Mother is anxious.
After four weeks came the message:
'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the British
Airways ad, but this time she fainted.

The ad reads: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways"

[barnstyke]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. "I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren’t you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door.
It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn’t matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??"

And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah please."So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies, "I’m over here, on your swing."

[barnstyke]

Another one for the ladies

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy".

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition," said God. "What's that, Lord?"

"Because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

[barnstyke]

One more for the Ladies

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

[barnstyke]

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and saying a sweet "hello!"
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
Finally he says, "Um, do you know me?"
She replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my children."
Uh oh....

He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and has a sudden recollection of a drunken party.
"My god," he says. "Are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I coaxed into a private room with a $50 bill, and then we had sex on the pool table with all my buddies watching from the door while I yelled ’I call the corner pocket!’ while you screamed ’Harder, harder!’ and ’Deeper, deeper!’?"
She hardly missed a beat when she said "Well, no. I’m your son’s math teacher."

[barnstyke]

Ok I’m struggling to keep this one going so if you have any good ones (jokes) to add in here, be my guest. Come on, everyone has a good joke tucked away somewhere.

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Too many viewing and not contributing, come on I need some help. Give it your best shot..... PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!
So what, someone may laugh.
I thought you lot had a sence on humour????????

Daz.

[barnstyke]

Come on Steve you must have a sence of humour, you're a forest fan. LOL

Top team in division one this year hey steve.

[barnstyke]

One day a farmer decided to sell-up. The first thing he bought was a
Mercedes-Benz, he eventually sold everything except a young chick and
a horse. Being the only two animals on the farm, they soon became fast friends. On day after a heavy rainfall, the horse fell into a large , deep
mud hole, the chick immediately knew he had to save his friend. He ran
to the house to get the farmer, but, he wasn’t home. As luck would have it
the farmers Mercedes was in the driveway, the chick got in , drove to the
horse, tied a rope to the car & the horse an pulled his friend out. The horse was eternally grateful. A few days later there was another rainfall,
causing more mud holes. This time the chick fell into one, the horse knew to resuce his friend, glancing to the house, there was no farmer and no Mercedes. Thinking quickly, he straddled the hole and told his
friend to grab hold of his penis and he’d pull him out. The chick did
so and was rescued.

The moral or this story: If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a
Mercedes to get chicks.

[barnstyke]

A truck driver was driving on the freeway when he noticed a young girl
standing on the side of the road next to a broken down car. The truck driver pulls up behind the car and rolls his window down. The young girl comes up to his window. He says "hey lady need a lift?" she replies to him "yes my car broke down i need to get to a phone." She opens the door and jumps in. As they are driving the truck driver introduces himself. "my name is Snow, what’s yours?" "June" she replies to him. He then asks her her age, and she replies to him that she is 22. He goes on to ask stupid questions to get her into a talking mood. After a while she notices he has been staring at her ever since she got into the truck. She decides to ask him "is there something wrong? You have been staring at me." He looks over and replies "No. Im just thinking," "thinking about what?" he replies with a grin on his face "thinkin what it would be like to have eight inches of snow in june."

[Ian]

Originally Posted by barnstyke

Come on Steve you must have a sence of humour, you're a forest fan. LOL

Top team in division one this year hey steve.

Didnt do too well in the cup today though did they :lol: :lol:

Keep the jokes coming dingle :lol: :lol: :lol:

Ian :lol:

[barnstyke]

A man was on his way out to work,and said to his wife:
I want steak tonight for dinner. She replied, well give me some money!
He took her to the mirror, pulls out a $20 bill and said:
You see this twenty? this one is mine, the one in the mirror is yours,and he leaves for work.
That night he gets home, and sure enough, a beautiful steak on the dinner table.
He eats his steak and says to the wife. now, i want to sex!
She takes him to the mirror, lifts her dress, drops her knickers and says:
you see this pussy?
The one in the mirror is all for you, this one belongs to the butcher.

[barnstyke]

There was once these three boys walking home from school!!! On the way they herd this music coming from the barn a little bit ahead of them !!! the first boy looked through a hole in the barn and ran in side all happy, the second boy looked through the hole and ran inside all happy!!! But when the third little boy looked through to hole, he ran all the way home!!! The next day at school the two boys came up to the other boy and said "" why’d you run away!!?!!"" and the litle boy told them "" my mommy told me that if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone........ and i felt something get hard!!!!

[barnstyke]

Alright, there i was walking through downtown new york with two beautiful women at my side when i come across a stand called peaches of a 1000 flavors...so i say to myself "peaches of a 1000 flavors?" theres only one flavor and thats peach. So i walk up to this guy who was working the stand. He says to me hello i am habib, what flavor would you like? i say..look habib theres only one flavor and thats peach, lets go girls this is stupid....wait says habib just pick a flavor.....so i say fine idiot....peanut butter and jelly. habib says done i will be right back....so habib goes to the back of his stand and brings me this peach....im like no f**king way....try it he says. So i take a bite out of it and holy shit it tastes like peanut butter! wait? what a bout the jelly habib? Turn it...around, he replies. so i turn it around and give it a bite...holy shit it tastes like jelly...this is fucking crazy! girls lets go!........wait...pick one more flavor so i can make you a believer says habib.....uuuh....uh...im nervous so i say the first thing on my mind....i look at the girls and say....uh pussy. I will be right back he said. he goes back to his shack and brings out this peach....i say no f**king way....he says try it....so i pick it up look at the girls....then take a bite out of it.....i spit all of it out of my mouth in disgust and say this tastes like f**king shit habib......Turn it around....he replies

[barnstyke]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,

"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was so wonderful, but, listen very, very closely.

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[barnstyke]

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.

A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her, exclaiming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming from a pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!

[DConCT]

LMFAO :lol: