Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Free For All' started by Dori, Aug 23, 2004.

  1. Dori

    Dori Guest

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    Ok...I've read this before...long ago..but just received it again and wanted to share....

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
    syndrome including
    toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story belowwill have you
    laughing out LOUD!
    Here's what happened:
    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
    "something wrong" with
    one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.
    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad.
    Can you help?"
    I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him
    into his bedroom.
    One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
    stressed. I immediately
    knew what to do. "Honey", I called,
    "come look at the hamster!""Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a
    minute. "She's having babies."
    "What?" my son demanded! "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I
    was equally outraged.
    "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
    reproduce," I accused my wife.
    Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
    inquired. (I actually think
    she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two
    boys!" I reminded her, (in
    my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
    "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard
    to tell on some guys, you
    know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now
    the
    rest of the family had
    gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the
    best of it. "Kids, this is
    going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to
    witness the miracle of birth."
    "OH, Gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we
    going to do with a litter
    of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
    think she was being snotty
    here, too, don't you?)
    We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
    tiny foot would appear briefly,
    vanishing a scant second later.
    "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "Its breech,"
    my
    wife whispered, horrified.
    "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I
    reached in and grabbed the foot when
    it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried
    several more times with the same
    results.
    "Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
    could talk us through the trauma."
    (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
    "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with
    my son holding the cage in his lap.
    Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do
    Lamaze,"
    his mother noted to him.
    (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me
    is one thing, but this boy is of
    her womb, for Pete's sake.)
    The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
    animal through a magnifying glass. > >
    "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" suggested scientifically. "Oh, very
    interesting," he murmured.
    "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I
    gulped, nodding for my son to step
    outside.
    "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet
    assured us. "This hamster is not in
    labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
    You
    see, Ernie is a young male. And
    occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they
    um....um....masturbate.
    Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my
    wife.
    "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were
    silent,absorbing this.
    "So Ernie's just... just... Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly,"
    the
    vet replied, relieved that we
    understood.
    More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And
    giggle. And then even laugh loudly.
    "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
    woman I married would commit the
    upcoming affront to my FLAWLESS manliness.
    > > > Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm
    picturing
    you pulling on its... its...teeny
    little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
    "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly
    bundled the hamsters and our son back
    into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
    "I know Ernie' s really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
    me.
    "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
    2 Hamsters ..... $10
    1 Cage .... $20
    1 Trip to the Vet ....$30
    Memory of your husband pulling on a hamster's weenie. ...Priceless
     
  2. shoreladie

    shoreladie Guest

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    Thats a good one Dori :lol:
     
  3. janie

    janie Guest

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    I remember reading that a long time ago, too, but it's still hilarious!

    :D :D :D
     
  4. TANDG

    TANDG Guest

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    I remember that one too, but I still love it. Here's another one....sorry Texas!

    Redneck Nativity Scene



    An Outsider in a small Texas town around Christmas time, saw a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature was all wrong: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.



    Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, he left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

    She exploded into a rage, yelling, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

    The Outsider assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

    She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in the guys face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"





    Terri
     
  5. Dori

    Dori Guest

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    Ahhhh ha ha ha ha....no offense taken honey...just funny!! :lol: :lol:
     
  6. TANDG

    TANDG Guest

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    I love those funny accents. We don't have accents here LOL

    Terri
     
  7. jenfleur

    jenfleur Guest

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    To me, you've all got accents!

    Jen
     
  8. TANDG

    TANDG Guest

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    the best accents come from where you live Jen!

    Terri
     
  9. jenfleur

    jenfleur Guest

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    Hmm, I'm not so sure, but I'll take the compliment anyways *snatches compliment*! :D

    Jen
     
  10. TANDG

    TANDG Guest

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    snatches...nickle...did I get that right?

    Terri
     
  11. jenfleur

    jenfleur Guest

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    I have no idea, but if so, I think I might be starting to understand! *doh*!

    Jen
     
  12. Dori

    Dori Guest

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    Snatches? LMAO....Wooooooooo that's a word I wouldn't have used in the nickel context on here...for fear of a moderator's :whip: wrath....

    But...ok :lol:
     
  13. TANDG

    TANDG Guest

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    :shock: ooops!!!

    Terri
     
  14. jenfleur

    jenfleur Guest

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    Yes but I said it first in an innocent sense, so you lot are naughty whereas I am :angel: !

    Jen
     
  15. Dori

    Dori Guest

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    Ha ha ha Ha
    and a HC to boot :lightning:

    Jen babe...your thoughts are never innocent....even when intended that way!! :wink:
     
  16. jenfleur

    jenfleur Guest

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    Well, that is a valid point, yes! I do try to be good, honest...actually, no I don't! :devil:

    Jen
     
  17. Dori

    Dori Guest

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    *sigh* I know honey...I understand...I have the same problem...conflicting emotions...we KNOW right from wrong and good from naughty :lol: Just that the latters are much more FUN!!!
     
  18. Michael F.

    Michael F. Moderator/1st CC Member Registered Member

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    Ran across Terri's Redneck Nativity Scene again. Too funny :lol: